Buster Olney To Hibernate Until Spring Training

The conclusion of baseball’s winter meetings signal it’s time for ESPN Baseball Insider Buster Olney to lie dormant for three months in the den he created beneath the right field bullpen at Fenway Park.

“Preparations for this begin in the summer, right after the All-Star break,” says Olney. “Right around that time, I try to put on considerable weight by gorging on fatty and carbohydrate-rich stadium foods such as soft pretzels, hot dogs, the DeMarini 2018 CFX, bratwursts and nachos.”

To ensure his mind is still sharp when pitchers and catchers report, Olney gathers and stores as much information as he can, from statistics and VORP ratings to free agent signings and rule 5 draft acquisitions before learning how to grip a curveball succesfully.

“My brain activity steadily declines once hibernation begins, so until I conk out, I’m stockpiling baseball data virtually non-stop once the World Series wraps up.”

Olney plans on staying warm during the cold winter months by wearing official MLB knit beanies by New Era, and layering himself in several Majestic therma base team bullpen jackets.

Pirates Blow Entire Off-Season Budget Sending GM To Winter Meetings

In order to send general manager Neal Huntington to baseball’s winter meetings in Orlando, the Pittsburgh Pirates spent every dollar they had allocated to sign players this offseason, and are now completely tapped out.

“A trip from Pittsburgh to Orlando isn’t cheap,” said Huntington, whose expenses included roundtrip coach airfare, four nights of lodging and four days of meals. “Considering the meetings were held at the luxurious Walt Disney World Swan and Dolphin Resort, boasting superior service and magical surroundings, the price tag was pretty steep.”

The resort’s “fancy” amenities include a spa, five swimming pools, a health club and a golf course, which Huntington “didn’t even use at all.”

“Apparently the Walt Disney World Swan and Dolphin Resort doesn’t offer discounted rates if all you do is sit in your room. What a rip-off.”

Huntington is sorry for the loyal Pirate fans who must be very disappointed the club can no longer afford the marginal major league caliber player they had been targeting.

“Negotiations were getting pretty serious too. His agent returned one of my phone calls.”

To keep costs down, the Pirates propose holding next year’s meetings at a “very affordable” Pittsburgh area Fairfield Inn, which has a free wi-fi and a continental breakfast.

“Or we could have it in my parents basement,” added Huntington, “as long as guys don’t mind sleeping on the floor.”

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